Memo From an Unrepentant Blog Pimp
Okay, it’s time to ‘fess up. I’m a blog pimp. I push my blog on anybody, any site, any forum I come across. “Look at me!” I holler. “Ain’t I interesting? Ain’t I funny and spirited and thoroughly bad-assed? Ain’t I what you should be reading instead of debating who was the best Star Trek captain, Kirk or Janeway? And, by the way, isn’t it time you people put away the action figures and moved out of your parents’ basement…”
Fuck it. I’m tired of apologizing for having a terrific site that isn’t afraid to offend or make people think (often it’s one and the same). I’ve been trolling around in cyberspace for a good long while now and I see few author/writing blogs that even come close to mine. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Many people start their blogs with good intentions but fade after a few postings. Inactive. Dormant. Although I know the internet is literally infinite, there should be some method for disposing of sites that haven’t been updated in months, years. Some search worm that sniffs around until it comes to a stinking, flyblown carcass left unattended too long and devours it, right down to the bare bones.
Not me, I make regular postings and I like to keep things interesting. Controversial? Why not? Rattle some cages, fuck with people like sci fi techno-nerds, wannabe writers and half-baked intellects. Let them know that someone has spotted them for the phonies they are and is willing to give them their just desserts. Do you like flashy movies with lots of special effects, scripted by a lamebrain who grew up friendless, alone, wanking over Wonder Woman comics? Do you spend most of your waking life on-line, searching out the latest pithy posting on the story cycle for the new “Battlestar Galactica” series or exchanging barbs with some asshole in Granby who refuses to recognize the mythic power of George Lucas’ grand, galaxy encompassing vision? Do you waste precious time trying to come up with something that rhymes with “Cthulhu” and “Quetzalcoatl”? Do books that challenge you to think offend you? Are you an academic afflicted with tunnel vision who believes anything written after Jane Austen is mere commentary?
Welcome to my shitlist.
If, on the other hand, you know what satire means, can recognize hyperbole and irony when they walk up to you and kick you in the nuts, “Beautiful Desolation” is the place for you. Tell your friends about this site, spread the word, add me to your blog roll. What the hell. At least once a week you’ll find something posted here that will make you smirk, wrinkle your brow in disappoval or out and out piss you off.
You’ll also find some pretty fucking good writing. Some terrific, mind-roasting short stories, written by a guy who knows how to put words together and make gorgeous music. My fiction wipes the floor with most of the crap circulating out there. Check out my tales and the excerpt I’ve posted from the best unpublished novel currently making the rounds. It’s called SO DARK THE NIGHT and brother/sister once you scan those first fifty pages, you’ll be begging to find out what happens next. Are you looking for an author who’s a combination of Philip K. Dick, Ellison, Borges and the Brothers fucking Grimm? Dude, you just fucking found him. You want to wallow in shit, pick up the latest book by Crichton, Sawyer, Koontz or, God help you, Dan Brown. You want a reading experience you won’t forget, check out something by this Burns fella.
I’m not going away. Nossir. Call me a dolt, a bully, a boor, an elitist, shit on me as much as you want. I’m going to keep pushing this site on anyone I come across. I’ll pipe up in forums: “Hey, this is all very interesting but if you want something that will give your critical faculties a goose and get the ol’ grey matter fully engaged, check out my blog”. I’ll pimp and cajole and irritate until folks drop in for a visit just to satisfy themselves what an asshole I am. And then, hoo hoo hoo, boy, are they in for a surprise. I’m gonna fuck with their heads something terrible.
And I won’t apologize for that either.
I bet ‘lol’s are on your shitlist, but gosh your in-your-face confidence makes me laugh.
I’ll take you at your work and check back.
And not just because you’re a well-known author or something…
the plaintive wail you projected across the blogosphere caught my attention. While I almost never tout other writers, I felt your obvious insecurity could well use my advertising.
The problem with rhyming “Cthulhu”,
Is the name’s from an author, well-known, who
Never made it quite clear
Which sounds we should hear:
But the Trekkies first choice is like “Sulu”.
The bloggers who sneer at their rivals,
Might be atavistic survivals.
Word rhythym and rhyme,
Why call that a crime?
Do you shun all the Shakespeare revivals?
This comment — extemporised verse
— might be seen as silly or worse.
My intent might shine,
Or be masked by rhyme,
But the reader is one I won’t curse.
Now how many people will stumble onto this page just by searching for simultaneous (and preferably explicit) images of Wonder Woman and Captain Kirk?
You call that blog pimping? You wouldn’t know blog pimping if it were dressed in purple faux fur and ten-inch heels.
My blog is so wonderful that, rather than send out reporters, newspapers just point to my writing. The power of my keystrokes shut down every television and cable news network. Google and Yahoo will soon offer the option of making my blog everyone’s home page. Few religions have not yet declared my writing above their old Scriptures. I even write this comment by mere thought: I used neither computer nor keyboard to write it.
I’m tired of apologizing for having a terrific site that isn’t afraid to offend or make people think
Well, that’s good; it would be a shame for you to perjure yourself to no purpose.
Remember, while it is often true that genius is mocked, the fact that everyone is laughing at you is not therefore proof that you’re a genius.
First, we all know Captain Picard was the best Star Trek Captain.. come on now….
(Janeaway definitely had the sexiest bod/knockers, for us hetero males or lesbians, and Kirk was no doubt a shit-kick-now-ask-questions-later-after-screwing-the-hot-alien-chick type of guy that made you want him on your side…)
keep up the pimping and don’t forget to replace the feather in you ten-gallon white hat, press those bell-bottom trousers, and have the gold-handle of your skull-head walking stick polished.. oh, and do take it easy when you slap the net-biatches to remonstrate for not coughing up the full part of your take.
and i will take a gander at the excerpt from your new novel, though then we’ll be clamouring for some publisher to take it on so we can find out what the hell happens…
(hmm rhymes with Cthulhu?)
Well, I’ll take the challenge, Cliff – consider yourself blogrolled, Sir!
You were right. This last post did make me smirk throughout. I even laughed aloud twice: first when you mentioned wiping the floor with crap (probably not too sanitary, but hey, diff’rent strokes) and second when you compared yourself to Borges. They weren’t the kind of laughs that made me want to taste any more of this bitter pap, of course.
sure…come by right before I post…i even referenced ypu.
Hah! I even pimp my blog by commenting on other people’s posts about blog pimping. I stay up late at night and search for posts that include a small number of swear words and the the phrase “blog pimp”.
I have a theory that this will result in me making millions. Millions of what you ask? I don’t care. Just millions.
Finally, I would like to humbly offer up a little criticism: I think you have it backwards. Offending people rarely gets them to think but getting people to think is almost always offensive to them.
Your blog (the little I’ve seen of it so far) is refreshing and I look forward to cheking more of it out in the coming days. I’d love to add you to my blogroll; how pragmatically true that there are so few writers in the cyberworld today who can break past the lobotomization dullness of our inbred literary backgrounds and be truly unashamed (heck, even proud) of their own brilliance. 🙂
Ahh….I see. Well, you certainly got people to check you out with your in-your-face approach. But I agree with what a couple of people posted up there: you don’t get people to think by offending them, you offend them by getting them to think. And the fact that people are laughing at you isn’t proof that you’re a genius…although it would certainly prove that you’ve gotten their attention. Somewhat.
Too bad the controversy/unapologetic approach has been taken so many times that I now avoid it each and every time (because it amounts to nothing). Still, I will read your post about the publishing industry. Good luck with your blog (or according to you, you might not need it).
writeitoutplease: Your comment screams to me that a reply is needed. So, here’s may reply.
You are correct that the controversy/unapologetic approach has often been taken on foolishly. That does not mean that this particular instantiation of the approach is foolhardy. In point of fact, I think it is both well done and charmingly so. There are real challenges to how some of the viewers think.
I just discovered this blog and have already attempted to email it’s writer. That is an invisible sign that I think the stuff here is worthwhile. I say attempted because I don’t think it worked since it was really late at night and I think that I spaced out and didn’t click the send button. One can’t really tell with flaky webmail though. I’ve had enough time on the net for today so I’ll try again another day.
Also, you haven’t filled out your website on the profile page so clicking on your name doesn’t take me to your site. This shows a complete lack of knowledge of how to do comment whoring and that make me feel astoundedness that I thought it might be worthwhile to reply to your comment.
Was that caustic enough? Did you like how I made up a word?
No one asked you to reply to my comment, so sit there and drown in your own “astoundedness”. Anyway, ignoring the grammar and spelling chaos from the poster above, Cliff, I apologize for misinterpreting your post.
I don’t have anything against you.
writeitoutplease: do you think that it is amusing that we are ‘fighting’ while both taking the same position on this issue?
However, humourous things dragged out cease to be humourous and so I shan’t continue.
I commented on your blog because there are some nifty things there. I haven’t read the whole thing.